american horror story: murder house episode 6

So, this is my favourite scence and words cannot express how much it touches my heart.

--------------------

Tate: I like birds too.

Violet: Why do you like them?

Tate: Because they can get far away when things get too crazy I guess. 
Are you going to tell your parents? About the pills?

Violet: Nah. They think I'm depressed.

Tate: Are you?

Violet: I'm sad.

Tate: Me too.
Something has changed in you or me. You're distant, cold. I don't know what I've done but I'll leave you alone if that's what you want. Is that what you want? You know why I'll leave you alone? Because I care about your feelings more than mine.
I love you. There, I said it. Not on some chalkboard. I will not let anybody or anything hurt you. I've never felt that way about anyone.

Violet: Come here.

I feel everything

I feel many things. From the chill in my bones on the cold nights under the quilt alone, that's slightly too cold, to the pain in my parents' eyes each time they look at me, probably thinking about how they wished I was so much better. And sometimes I feel the fear and anger, aching in me and telling me all the things I shouldn't hear, but I choose to listen, and succumb to the obnoxious thoughts. Well, of course, much rather than the cruel reality.

But most of the time, I feel the exhilaration, the adrenaline rush from the blood that gushes out, be it an accident or purely intentional, the immediate effect are all the same. And I've got these thoughts that cut the deepest of me, leaving me craving to swim in a river of red, but as time passed, I knew the meaning of being rational. For example, being in arm's reach of five spare blades which I had bought the other day and yet, being able to make, probably the right decision to not self-mutilate my skin.

Yet, there are many things I long to feel. And for the most, they are nothing but an imagination. From the confidence in me when I've got a crowd with all eyes on me to knowing how sweet victory might me. I want to feel the comfort in crying in the arms of someone I love, knowing that I'm not alone and nor are the hidden droplets of life that no one else has thought to look for.

I want to feel love, or maybe feel what it is like to be loved instead. But then again, I want to feel comfortable under my skin. I want to feel comfortable in the loneliness that binds me and learn to appreciate it, knowing that happiness is a bonus, love is winning the lottery and forever love, they call it, winning the jackpot.

Loneliness gives me the opportunity to feel more.

A

abscond, v.

My head. Something I really needed help escaping from.

anticlimax, n.

The thing is, it isn't that you aren't the best thing that has happened to me because right now, you are. But there are just some days where things just doesn't seem right enough for me to find interest in nothing but you (like I always do).

You said that you cared about what people said about you and that's when I realised how different we were, two completely different worlds with unconnectable thoughts.

Why'd you care so much about what others thought about you? I thought.

You see, I would never mind anyone who did not matter to me.

And perhaps it was my fault for assumming the only important thing was that I cared and you knew it. Sadly, it wasn't. And I understood.

Maybe I am just as insignificant as the people that you care about a little bit too much, and that's how I understood my importance to you as well. Funny becuase I was hoping that I mattered a little bit more.

assumptions, n.

You told me  last night at 3a.m. that it was a very lonely night as if you were hinting that you wished i was by your side (now i'm wishing).

Countless times I have been hoping that you might think of me a little more than what we are right now, for example, the idea of you and I interests you and maybe all the love songs on your Recently Added playlist would remind you of me.

And when it was 3a.m. where you could have been sleeping or telling some other girl how you felt that night, you chose to tell me that you were lonely. And I appreciate that.

attuned, adj.

I never knew the right things to say to people, especially those I've never talked to much. And when you finally cuckled at something I said, I knew just then that I've discovered the other side of you (the silly one of course).

axiom, n.

In school, we learnt that it was best to date at seventeen and be in a relationship at twenty-one. Ridiculous as it sounds, maybe you believe in the education system and the fact that I will be seventeen in 10 months makes me so euphroic since I might be having you sooner than I thought.

before you take your life, think

It’s been a few hours, you've just been hanging there. You've been quiet, too quiet. Usually there’s music playing, or your foot steps could be heard. But today, you’re quiet. Your little sister, who doesn't normally come to greet you because you lock yourself away, decides to see what you’re doing. She assumes you’re taking a nap, or doing some homework quietly. She runs up the stairs, eager to see, but she comes to an immediate halt. You’re not doing your homework, nor taking a nap. Your music isn't playing and you aren't walking around. You’re hanging there, completely still, now just like her. At this moment, her whole world shatters. Everything she has ever known, looked up to, loved, is hanging there by a thread. At this moment, her life has been changed forever. At this moment, she wishes she was hanging with you.

Before you decide to take your life, imagine who will find you. Imagine them walking into a room, and seeing you just hanging there. Whether it be your little sister, little brother, mother father, grandparents, a friend. Imagine what will happen when they find you. No, they will not say “Finally, they’re gone.” No, they will not say “I’m happy they did that.” No, they will not say “I never loved them anyways.” They will die. Their hearts will break. They will hurt, more than you ever could. They will cry, scream, and break down. They’ll believe it’s all just a dream, praying to wake up. Except, they won’t feel that for a few seconds, or a few days, not weeks, nor months. They will feel that until the day they die. Everyday will be hell. They’ll think of you ever second. They’ll hate themselves for not being able to help or save you. They’ll wish they could die too. They’ll want to give up, just to be with you. They won’t be ever be happy again. They won’t smile. They won’t go back to their daily routine. They’ll die every time they walk past your room, or see a picture of you, or think of a memory with you. They’ll think, but stay quiet. They’ll visit your grave, feeling a knife go through their chest every time. And every morning when they wake up, no matter how long it’s been, they’ll wake up to thinking they’ll see you, only to be let down once again. And every night, they will cry themselves to sleep, because even though they refuse to admit it, know you’re gone forever.

Before you decide to take your life, think of your family, burying you. Yes, your own mother and father are planning your funeral. It’s supposed to be the other way around, but it’s not. They’ll have to call the cops, sign a death certificate, pick out clothing, buy a tomb stone, a casket, pick out flower arrangements, and more; All for their child’s funeral. The morning of your funeral, everyone who loves you is wearing black. Tears are streaming down their face, while their heart is breaking. Everyone who you thought didn't need you, or didn't care, are waiting in line to see you. They aren't waiting in line at a party, or a graduation, or at a wedding reception. They’re waiting to see you, hands folded, lifeless, in a casket.

Before you decide to take your life, think of everyone you will be hurting. Don’t you dare say no one, because absolutely everyone will be affected. Your grandparents, won’t have a grandchild anymore. Your parents, won’t have a child anymore. Your brother or sister, won’t have a sibling anymore. Your pet, won’t have an owner anymore. That person you sit next to in class, won’t feel your presence anymore. Your teacher, won’t have a student anymore. That time your grandparents told you no, will haunt them forever, thinking it is their fault, that you are now dead. That time your parents yelled at you, will haunt them forever, thinking if they didn't yell at you, you would still be here. That time your sibling said they hated you, will hate themselves, because they believe you would still be alive if they said they loved you instead. Those kids who made you feel bad, will wish they were dead too, because if they just smiled at you instead, you would be here. That teacher that said you didn't meet her expectations, will feel like a failure, because you would still be here, if she believed in you. Everyone, who has ever been in your presence, will hurt, because if they showed you they cared, you would still be here.

Before you decide to take your life, think. Don’t just think of yourself, think of the consequences for everyone else. No one’s life will be the same again. That person who God made specially for you, won’t have you. That happiness that was waiting for you, will never show again. Before you decide to take your life, realize that you may be ending your pain, but you’ll be starting a lifetime of everyone else. 

x




credits: http://cait.tk/post/63624978042/its-been-a-few-hours-youve-just-been-hanging

how are you?

no

don't tell me that you're doing good

or that you are fine

you and i both know that you are so far from both of those things

so tell me

when was the last time you thought about death?

when was the last time you cried and what finally made the tears fall after all that time?

what is your story of loss?

what words break you?

what words put you back together?

when was the first time you understood the depth of the word "good bye"?

when was the first tie the only thing you could do was lay on the floor and cry because nothing else in the world made sense?

when was the last time you really and truly laughed?

can you remember that far back?

what was on your mind when you got those scars?

what lies have you believed lately?

when was the first time you understood the meaning of love?

who made you turn out the way you have become?

have you ever tried to put yourself back together again?

have anyone tried to but you didn't let them?

so tell me

do you love yourself?

how much of your skin can you find constellations in?

have you ever tried to understand your heart?

have you ever made yourself believe the lie that you aren't worth it?

why?

how is the weather in your heart?

is it a hurricane or a tsunami?

is there a fog surrounding your soul?

have you ever loved another more than you loved to breathe?

when was the last time you really and truly believed that your life was worth living?

so tell me

what made you hold on to life?

what made you let go of your feelings?

ultimately, was it someone or was it you who wrecked yourself?

when was the last time you saw the light in the dark tunnel?

so tell me

how are you, really?

A Love Story

There was once a boy who loved a girl very much. The girl, was awfully gorgeous. But the thing was, she could never love herself. People often told her how wonderful she was, how lucky, but never did she understand what they meant. And this boy saw her beauty on the outside and deep inside, and loved her with all his heart. One day, the boy found the girl crying and told her the things he loved about her. And only that way, she would stop crying. It looked as if she seemed to believe all the things the boy said about her, and deep inside, the boy truly meant it, every sentence, every word about her. 

Day after day, he thought of all the countless things he could think of about how all the things he loved about her. From the way she dresses to the way she responded each time they touch to her skin, the thing that she hated most about herself, he explained to her how she was the best thing that has ever happened to him. She would smile each time he said about the thing he loved about her and he never stopped.

One day, the boy noticed that she stopped smiling. She didn't seem to have much interest in what he had to say. He held her hand and stroked it, but she delicately pulled away. She sighed, and looked at him right into the eyes, and then stared at the empty field in front of them. She told him how happy she felt and how much she treasured each moment spent with him, but those moments, they were not enough. She was grateful that she had someone who could love her more than she did. But that was not what she wanted. She didn't want someone to loved her more than she could ever love herself, she wanted someone who could teach her how to love herself, how to love the skin she's in, how to love again. She thanked him again, and gave him a genuine smile, one that he hasn't seen in a while, and left quietly.

dreams

has it only been yesterday
when all those filthy emotions
gathered around me those
voices screaming in my head  

                                                    it is hard to explain the things
                                                    why i think of them and the
                                                    reason why they appear in the
                                                    first place but it kept me up

dreams are mysterious and
yet fascinating and the rules
of reality do not apply from
nightmares and sweet dreams

                                                    i wonder if the things i dream
                                                    are trying to talk to me and
                                                    give me hopes and hint as
                                                    i go through this turmoil in life

it's funny how we're always
looking for a meaning in
everything but we have not
even understood ourselves

                                                    many times i am unable to
                                                    distinguish the dream world
                                                    from reality and many times
                                                    things feel like a deja vu

dreams seem much more
powerful then the reality
and most of the time a
little too good to be true

                                                    last night i dreamt of love
                                                    but the things was it is
                                                    non-existent and the truth
                                                    of it and waking up hurts

possibly i was contented
with the love i received
(which seems impossible)
quite sure i'm not loved

                                                    questioning your life is
                                                    simply questioning your
                                                    existence your meaning
                                                    and your purpose here

and right now for me it is
blanks and void answers
and question marks in
those questions of my life









(this post has no meaning to it i just wanted to write my thoughts of my dreams out today and last night, i've dreamt of the people that i long for right now, quite demanding and quite impossible. i'm not sure what i have
to be proud of in my life and definitely it is still full of unanswered questions, but one day, we'll figure it all out, won't we?)

reasons to stay alive:

1. you can dye your hair of all the different shades of your favourite colour

2. name your cats that you will adopt in future

3. make lots of money

4. enjoy the warmth hiding under the blanket when it's cold

5. going shopping

6. combing your hair

7. visiting places you've never been to

8. listen to new songs that your favourite band/artist will produce in future

9. go to concerts

10. sleeping till the afternoon

11. staying up all night on the internet

12. read amazing books that had yet to be written

13. redesign your room

14. fall in love all over again

15. going to the beach

16. making daisy crowns

17. inspire people

18. taking long bus rides listening to music

19. going to cinemas and theatres

20. looking back and realising how much stronger you've become

past conversations

last time I checked

you said something about

how I would never ever

be able to understand

the way you two connected

how she's worth it

how much you loved her

and how even if you wanted to

it was quite impossible for you

to stop missing her

and looking back

it's so obvious that I'm the fool

not you

I am the silly girl

who had this amazing

incredible idea

to make you forget about her

and somehow maybe

realized how much I cared

and then you'll fall in love with me

stupidity

I call it

what a waste of my time

frustration

anxiety

hopeless hoping

and sleepless nights

all of it on you

do you know how it feels like

when you've put in all your effort

pouring all your feelings out

to someone who could never ever

appreciate it?

do you know how silly I felt

when the last thing you told me

was the exact same thing you said

at the start of our conversation?

"I'll rather you not talk to me

it's unfair to you"

you said as if you really did care

about how I feel and as if

you were obvious to how much

you mean(t) to me

it shows that after all that I've said

it all meant nothing

and that you were blindly in love

with a girl who could never love you

I told you at the start that

you meant to me

probably more than a friend

but less than lovers do

and it's true

despite hiding the fact that

all i thought about was you

and I still do

and you asked me what my

first impression was of you

and I recollected every memory we had

from the first time we met

to probably the last time we would meet

at a fair that you treated me coldly

I described every single detail

of what I saw in you and

how important of a person

and friend you are to me

but remember what you said?

you said so what if you we're

attractive and nice

and you kept saying you aren't

a good person

and now I finally understand why

and you said how

maybe you were tired

of being nice

because being nice

doesn't pay of the way

you want it to be

and funny how you never realized

that you were being nice

to the wrong person

and I was the one

who's neglected

and you questioned you

importance in my heart

asking me

"what am I to you?"

and saying how you 

"I don't even know you that well"

and I sad the most ridiculous thing

I said

I don't even know you either

I don't know

who you are

and I don't know

anything about you

and I know I'll never know you

but at least

I want to be someone

that will always be there for you

and how I am still willingly

willing to be here for you

though forever

I will only be your

back-up plan

and to think of it

that is probably one of the

messages that I would

never regret sending

because at that point of time

I really meant

what I said and now

I still do

and here you go again

saying all these meaningless

mindless things about how

there was no one else

you could ever connect

with you at your level

and it's so selfish of you

to never give others

(me) a chance

like you said

I'm nothing close to

her beauty and

in your eyes she is

perfection but

what exactly is perfection?

how do you expect me

to believe a thing

you describe about her

when you didn't want

to tell me a single thing

about her

not her name

not her age

not where she was from

or even whether

she really did existed

and I am not in love

with you or

who I thought you were

I am merely wanting

to be here for you

because I know

in everyone's life

there aren't exactly

many people who are

always by you

and eternally someone

you can rely on

I don't mind being temporary

I just want you to

open up to me

let me be someone

you can trust

and confide to

and be the one

where in time you will

thank me for my

existence

maybe I just want to

be appreciated

or maybe I just want

your attention

but it's over

over

o v e r

o v  e   r

glad that I met you

glad to be someone

you pushed aside

glad to be somebody

you used to know

glad to be the one

who you sent a

one-word reply to

when I told you that

if you ever need anyone

I'll be there for you

not quite strangers

do you know

the kind of feeling

the kind of emotion

when you see someone

and you recognise

their face

their hair

but they're no friends

they're just someone

you've seen at school

or maybe at a certain place

every single time

but you never talked

and the thing is

you know that he knows

of your existence

and somehow his

facial expression

shows that he does know

who you are but

yet you're still strangers

and every single time

it makes me recall

every memory i have

of that person

and all the chances

i had to go up forward

to that person and

start the conversation

all that's left to say is

"damn

i really wished

i knew that person"

and i wonder if he

ever does feel that way

about me too

he is adorable and

sits in front of me

everyday in school

no doubt

during morning assembly

he looks at me

i look back

there is this weird connection

which is not quite

explainable because

i know someone

but we're not friends

and i am just dying

to know him but

it's hard to be the

first person to speak up

because if i can't

like myself

it is simply audacious

of me to think that

maybe someone

might be interested

in knowing me better

i've known many people

who aren't my friends

but no maybe has

ever captured your attention

as much as others did

and it's so hard to

go on with life thinking

how different it

might have be if

i had known

that person and he

played an important

role in my life

and what if he was

the one who was able

to maybe me smile

and that this sadness

might not have ever

existed and maybe

he was the reason

why i never cried myself

or hated myself

and what if because of him

i never fell in love

with (writing) poetry

and this string of words

never existed and

nothing that i have

ever written existed

and no one knew me

and i never met

all these wonderful

people by chance?

what if

what if

what if

maybe i really am

over thinking

maybe i am just

really tired and i

really do need

to get some sleep

or maybe he really

wished that me

knew me too

what about me?

basically because
i thought
i was the one
who was always
there for you
i guess
my presence
just wasn't enough
but then again
was there a need
for you to just
completely
shut me on
without telling me
where did i go wrong?
and it's been a year
and all my questions
are still left
unanswered

and it really showed
how much
or should i say
how little
i meant to you
the fact that
we were the closest
and then the farthest
made me think
that friendship
isn't supposed
to be taken seriously
i can't take me seriously
i took you
i took you for real

and all the times we
spent together were
nothing and left empty
and long forgotten and
you kept leaving me

wondering if you ever
thought about me as
much as i did about
you and if you bothered

to check on me to see
how (un)well i was
how i was coping when
i no longer spend time
with you

i don't know what else to say

sometimes even words
aren't enough
to describe the
thousands of mixed
emotions you feel
about a particular
situation and
the sillest thing is
i miss all the
wrong people
and
i never learn

looking out

there was a girl

who put on a smile

as quickly as

it faded away

she was never really like that

it all just happened

way too fast

no one saw it coming

even i thought

she was happy

and one day

we were on the bus

her sitting next to the window

me by her side

we talked and talked

about things that

i couldn't recall

but it sure was something

that made her chuckle a little

but the silence

was still stronger than ever

i was eating

something like a 

Brazilian chicken sandwich

it was delicious

and maybe it was why

i didn't take much notice

of her words and actions

to make me see

that what she might be

showing me might not

but real

when i got of the bus

i saw her

sitting alone

emptiness surrounded her

as if it was soon to engulf

her emotions and soul

and what's left of her

is just a remembrance

of her looking out of the window

missing this boy

who used to mean the

world to her

and still did

and it broke my heart

mainly because i hated to see

her that way

lost and alone

but also because

she was so attached

to this boy

who could let go

of her so easily

and it made me ponder about

me as well

was i just like her

having a hard time inside

and difficulty forcing laughter

and faking smiles

and the funny thing is

4 months ago

i was in pieces i couldn't cope

with the fast pace of life

and handling my emotions

and work was even more of a challenge

but right now

i can say that i could

barely even remember

how it felt like to

lose everything you love

and time doesn't even wait for you

it seemed so foreign

i wasn't out of love

but love was out of me

and that was how i felt

i can't remember how it feels

to be in love

with someone or anyone

that actually does know my existence

and feels the same way

and being broken

seems like more of a

typical routine

than an emotion now

and i knew that

there was nothing i could do

to make her feel better

or make her realize that he wasn't

meant to be part

of her future

but sometimes

it is really that hard

when you expected so much more

from someone because

you were willing to give

that much to them

but he wasn't going to do that

was he?

and here everyone is

waiting for that someone

that someone to be part of our future

and the funny thing is

things have a way

of getting better when

you stop caring and worrying

about things that

mean a lot to you

and when you don't care

things get better

but it comes to a point

where you no longer

care about anything anymore

and you just want to

get over and done with

with this life

but does it make any sense?

a cold morning

i woke up this morning

feeling awfully chilly

with shivers in my bones

and then i realised

how difficult it must've been for you

all alone in that queen-sized bed

cold and unaccompanied 

i felt so sorry

that i couldn't be there

that we were so far away

that if these sheets were states

i'd pull them end over end

to bring you closer to me

and keep you warm

you've such a beautiful being

after one look at you

i knew that i would spend

endless, sleepless nights

trying to write a poem

as beautiful as you

you eyes glowed in the such

and i could drown in them

i'm not too good with describing

anyone's beauty

but for sure

yours is none like the rest

you intrigue me

i want to know your story

you reason behind this sadness

and this mask you put on

each day as you face this cruel world

i want to know all your insecurties

your fears

your past secrets you never told anyone

and all the reasons

that's keeping you

up awake until 4 in the morning

i want to come up close

to get a better look of

that rare but breath-taking smile

and i would have to

stop for a moment to breathe

before you steal it away again

i'm not a romantic

and i can't be sure that this is love

but one thing i am sure of is

i spend all my nights

in bed alone

the long bus rides

the study breaks

to try to think of the best

strings of words i can invent

to describe how much

you might actually mean to me

and honestly

i would rather die

than watch all the things

that make you fall apart

and the other night

we were talking about

how much we hated time zones

and how we never get enough

time to talk about countless things

we never told anyone about

but all i could say was

at least i was glad

i could talk to you a couple of times a day

and the fact that i could

get a chance to hear your voice

and call me by my name

left me missing you

more than ever

and it scares me so much

because i've become

so deeply attached to someone

i have never met

and i am trying to pick up the pieces

of your broken plate

trying to put each and every chip

back together again

and even though the cracks remain

i was hoping that i could be the one

to fill them up

and make you feel

like a person again

and i'm so sorry

if i am not able to do that

and i know you are a

deeply unhappy person

but so am i

and i think our demons

complement each other

and our barely

but beating hearts will

collide into one

and maybe one day

we will be okay again

never said goodbye

there was something about

this really special boy

he often said hellp

but never said goodbye

maybe it wasn't a habit of his

but he always said

"see you" instead

and i wonder why

he was shy

and full of happiness

never made enemies

never really got angry

but i learnt to understand

a little bit more of him

each time we met

and his smile was often the same

radiance in his eyes

and his pearl white teeth

funny thing is

he told me that he never was happy

and just like everyone

i was deceived

never have i met someone

who could show such happiness

without being true

he told me all the ways

he hated how things went

the rumours

the annoyance

the problems

and i always assumed

that he never seemed to mind

maybe they're right

maybe it really is true

when they say that

the person who appeared

the happiest person

always with the cheerful smile

is in fact

the saddest living soul

and that wasn't the special part of him

we never really spoke

when we around people

he didn't like the attention

neither did i

but everyone else did

i knew he was here to stay

when he was the one

who never said goodbye

and when i thought

everyone was all the same

never here to stay

and soon to be gone

he didn't go

when everyone else did

he was the one that cared

when no one else did

how truly lucky i am

to find a person like him

now when we speak

no longer there is

a invisible barrier between us

to listen and judge

our every littld conversation

no one to make a scene out of it

and i find it funny because

i always thought everyone were the same

difficult to read

not who they seem to be

and never a real friend

if only everyone were a book

with a synopsis at the back

worth to stay if worth reading

and if it was interesting

intriguing

i'd read till the end

if only things were as simple as that

but no one

no one but one

made me believe that

most people were meant to go

and only the special ones stayed

and the special ones

never said good bye

they only said

"i guess i'll see you again"

a poem for this boy

this poem is for the boy

oh so mysterious

just like the moon

with a part of him always hidden away

i wished i could be there

to see the side of you

that no one knew

the one that cried till

the wee hours of the morning

over this girl who stole your heart

and never returned it

i want to see you at 3am

when everyone in the house

is all fast asleep

while you lay there staring at the ceiling

wishing she was yours

i remember the time

you confessed your feelings

and showed your crooked soul

to me and it made me

hold you even closer

even tighter in my heart

and you didn't know how

the littlest things you told me

formed my world:

the moon

the sun

and all the twinkling stars

and everyone told me

that i shouldn't waste my time

on someone who couldn't let go

and at times i wondered why i did

maybe it waa because

a part of me was just wishing that

you would realise that i was the one

here from the beginning to end

and maybe

hopefully fall in love with me

but you loved her too much

to make that possible

and i want to give up

but thoughts of being able

to take away a fraction of your pain

to save your tears when

you can no longer hold it

and to assure myself that

the next time i see you

that smile wouldn't fade away

it will stay on your face

even if it was by force

it would look real enough

to make me believe

that it was the right thing

to hang on to you

and you eyes

they glow so beautifully

even brighter than the sun

and i remember the time when

we met for the first the first time by the pool

and the warmth

the waters

the voices of the people

comes back all to me

and how we were both too shy to ask for names

and how we just begun a conversation

as if we had known each other for years

and i think that was the time

we might have actually clicked

and probably the only reason

to keep on believing in you

i loved your presence more than i should

and more than mine

and maybe i might not

love you like lovers do

but i love you as a friend and

you are the most special

being on thia planet

who is worth to be written as a poem

and make me hold on to this

soon-to-be meaningless friendship

that i hold still so tightly

in my heart and i guess

all the jealousy of this image

of this perfect girl that you love

and no one can compare to her

i still believe that you might be worth the time