american horror story: murder house episode 6

So, this is my favourite scence and words cannot express how much it touches my heart.

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Tate: I like birds too.

Violet: Why do you like them?

Tate: Because they can get far away when things get too crazy I guess. 
Are you going to tell your parents? About the pills?

Violet: Nah. They think I'm depressed.

Tate: Are you?

Violet: I'm sad.

Tate: Me too.
Something has changed in you or me. You're distant, cold. I don't know what I've done but I'll leave you alone if that's what you want. Is that what you want? You know why I'll leave you alone? Because I care about your feelings more than mine.
I love you. There, I said it. Not on some chalkboard. I will not let anybody or anything hurt you. I've never felt that way about anyone.

Violet: Come here.

I feel everything

I feel many things. From the chill in my bones on the cold nights under the quilt alone, that's slightly too cold, to the pain in my parents' eyes each time they look at me, probably thinking about how they wished I was so much better. And sometimes I feel the fear and anger, aching in me and telling me all the things I shouldn't hear, but I choose to listen, and succumb to the obnoxious thoughts. Well, of course, much rather than the cruel reality.

But most of the time, I feel the exhilaration, the adrenaline rush from the blood that gushes out, be it an accident or purely intentional, the immediate effect are all the same. And I've got these thoughts that cut the deepest of me, leaving me craving to swim in a river of red, but as time passed, I knew the meaning of being rational. For example, being in arm's reach of five spare blades which I had bought the other day and yet, being able to make, probably the right decision to not self-mutilate my skin.

Yet, there are many things I long to feel. And for the most, they are nothing but an imagination. From the confidence in me when I've got a crowd with all eyes on me to knowing how sweet victory might me. I want to feel the comfort in crying in the arms of someone I love, knowing that I'm not alone and nor are the hidden droplets of life that no one else has thought to look for.

I want to feel love, or maybe feel what it is like to be loved instead. But then again, I want to feel comfortable under my skin. I want to feel comfortable in the loneliness that binds me and learn to appreciate it, knowing that happiness is a bonus, love is winning the lottery and forever love, they call it, winning the jackpot.

Loneliness gives me the opportunity to feel more.

A

abscond, v.

My head. Something I really needed help escaping from.

anticlimax, n.

The thing is, it isn't that you aren't the best thing that has happened to me because right now, you are. But there are just some days where things just doesn't seem right enough for me to find interest in nothing but you (like I always do).

You said that you cared about what people said about you and that's when I realised how different we were, two completely different worlds with unconnectable thoughts.

Why'd you care so much about what others thought about you? I thought.

You see, I would never mind anyone who did not matter to me.

And perhaps it was my fault for assumming the only important thing was that I cared and you knew it. Sadly, it wasn't. And I understood.

Maybe I am just as insignificant as the people that you care about a little bit too much, and that's how I understood my importance to you as well. Funny becuase I was hoping that I mattered a little bit more.

assumptions, n.

You told me  last night at 3a.m. that it was a very lonely night as if you were hinting that you wished i was by your side (now i'm wishing).

Countless times I have been hoping that you might think of me a little more than what we are right now, for example, the idea of you and I interests you and maybe all the love songs on your Recently Added playlist would remind you of me.

And when it was 3a.m. where you could have been sleeping or telling some other girl how you felt that night, you chose to tell me that you were lonely. And I appreciate that.

attuned, adj.

I never knew the right things to say to people, especially those I've never talked to much. And when you finally cuckled at something I said, I knew just then that I've discovered the other side of you (the silly one of course).

axiom, n.

In school, we learnt that it was best to date at seventeen and be in a relationship at twenty-one. Ridiculous as it sounds, maybe you believe in the education system and the fact that I will be seventeen in 10 months makes me so euphroic since I might be having you sooner than I thought.

before you take your life, think

It’s been a few hours, you've just been hanging there. You've been quiet, too quiet. Usually there’s music playing, or your foot steps could be heard. But today, you’re quiet. Your little sister, who doesn't normally come to greet you because you lock yourself away, decides to see what you’re doing. She assumes you’re taking a nap, or doing some homework quietly. She runs up the stairs, eager to see, but she comes to an immediate halt. You’re not doing your homework, nor taking a nap. Your music isn't playing and you aren't walking around. You’re hanging there, completely still, now just like her. At this moment, her whole world shatters. Everything she has ever known, looked up to, loved, is hanging there by a thread. At this moment, her life has been changed forever. At this moment, she wishes she was hanging with you.

Before you decide to take your life, imagine who will find you. Imagine them walking into a room, and seeing you just hanging there. Whether it be your little sister, little brother, mother father, grandparents, a friend. Imagine what will happen when they find you. No, they will not say “Finally, they’re gone.” No, they will not say “I’m happy they did that.” No, they will not say “I never loved them anyways.” They will die. Their hearts will break. They will hurt, more than you ever could. They will cry, scream, and break down. They’ll believe it’s all just a dream, praying to wake up. Except, they won’t feel that for a few seconds, or a few days, not weeks, nor months. They will feel that until the day they die. Everyday will be hell. They’ll think of you ever second. They’ll hate themselves for not being able to help or save you. They’ll wish they could die too. They’ll want to give up, just to be with you. They won’t be ever be happy again. They won’t smile. They won’t go back to their daily routine. They’ll die every time they walk past your room, or see a picture of you, or think of a memory with you. They’ll think, but stay quiet. They’ll visit your grave, feeling a knife go through their chest every time. And every morning when they wake up, no matter how long it’s been, they’ll wake up to thinking they’ll see you, only to be let down once again. And every night, they will cry themselves to sleep, because even though they refuse to admit it, know you’re gone forever.

Before you decide to take your life, think of your family, burying you. Yes, your own mother and father are planning your funeral. It’s supposed to be the other way around, but it’s not. They’ll have to call the cops, sign a death certificate, pick out clothing, buy a tomb stone, a casket, pick out flower arrangements, and more; All for their child’s funeral. The morning of your funeral, everyone who loves you is wearing black. Tears are streaming down their face, while their heart is breaking. Everyone who you thought didn't need you, or didn't care, are waiting in line to see you. They aren't waiting in line at a party, or a graduation, or at a wedding reception. They’re waiting to see you, hands folded, lifeless, in a casket.

Before you decide to take your life, think of everyone you will be hurting. Don’t you dare say no one, because absolutely everyone will be affected. Your grandparents, won’t have a grandchild anymore. Your parents, won’t have a child anymore. Your brother or sister, won’t have a sibling anymore. Your pet, won’t have an owner anymore. That person you sit next to in class, won’t feel your presence anymore. Your teacher, won’t have a student anymore. That time your grandparents told you no, will haunt them forever, thinking it is their fault, that you are now dead. That time your parents yelled at you, will haunt them forever, thinking if they didn't yell at you, you would still be here. That time your sibling said they hated you, will hate themselves, because they believe you would still be alive if they said they loved you instead. Those kids who made you feel bad, will wish they were dead too, because if they just smiled at you instead, you would be here. That teacher that said you didn't meet her expectations, will feel like a failure, because you would still be here, if she believed in you. Everyone, who has ever been in your presence, will hurt, because if they showed you they cared, you would still be here.

Before you decide to take your life, think. Don’t just think of yourself, think of the consequences for everyone else. No one’s life will be the same again. That person who God made specially for you, won’t have you. That happiness that was waiting for you, will never show again. Before you decide to take your life, realize that you may be ending your pain, but you’ll be starting a lifetime of everyone else. 

x




credits: http://cait.tk/post/63624978042/its-been-a-few-hours-youve-just-been-hanging